Dear Horrible Advice, how can I get my dogs & chickens to all share the yard so they can all free-range together without needing to separate them ? -Free Range in Hinckley
Dear Free Range in Hinckley, why would you want to? Do you have any idea how much money you could make turning this into a sporting event? Cock fighting is illegal, but is a high dollar sport. Dog fighting is illegal, which is also a high dollar sport. But no one ever said anything about cock/dog fighting, so clearly it must be perfectly legal, and certainly double lucrative. Just build a stadium out of old salvaged & garbage picked furniture & rusty metal. You can serve Looser Chicken Sandwiches & Beaten Dog Hot Dogs at your concession stand. This way you wont have to pay to cater your events, and can charge the hipsters top dollar for free-range meat. Your events should always be held for all ages. The more the merrier for your concession stand sales. Encourage your friends to scalp tickets on the front lawn so that you can split the profits with them.
Now, we both know that during each Battle Royale that the dogs will typically have the upper hand. You do not want the tournaments to be too quick & unfair. So you’ll need to have the chickens out number dogs by at least 20 to 1. We’d also recommend providing the dogs with a harmless little cut somewhere on their body. Not enough to create a handicap, but just enough to draw blood. When chickens smell blood they go into a bit of a rampage. They will peck & peck until the wounded animal is defeated. This is where the term henpecking comes from. It will give the chickens an edge in an otherwise hopeless fight. People will come from far & wide to watch these events unfold.
Also, you will not need any type of permits. Just hire off duty police officers as your security team. They will help keep everything legal, and they probably have a ton of buddies who will be interested in placing bets as well.
Now, if you decide to waste this incredible business opportunity and attempt to raise your beasts peacefully, just coat you chickens in bacon grease daily. Hopefully they’ll be too slippery for the dogs to catch. Enjoy your free-ranging. – David & Daniel.
HorribleAdvice.com is a sarcastic blog providing purposefully terrible & adverse advice. DO NOT follow or carry out ANY advice provided here. It is for humorous purposes only, and might often be offensive, dangerous, immoral, and possibly unlawful. Our advice is NOT to be taken seriously, and is for entertainment ONLY. Don’t do dumb stuff. Enjoy our fake advice articles, be safe, & be nice to people.
Do you need some horrible advice?
Just email a question to [email protected] and if your inquiry meets our high standards, we’ll think about maybe answering it in one of our despicable articles someday. Be sure to sign it with a fun fictitious name that loosely summarizes your situation.