Resolutions

Dear readers, our expert reports show that 103% of people fail miserably at achieving their New Year’s resolution goals. Therefore, against our wishes, we are tasked with setting resolutions for you, because you’ve failed. A favor to those who can’t manage to find success with the simplest of goals. Read on to discover your ambitions for the new year. You’re welcome.  

• 1. You absolutely have got to stop talking on speaker phone in public. Where the heck did you even learn that? Don’t you realize that when we’re in line at a store or gas station that the rest of us just want to stand there holding our awkwardly heavy items quietly in a depressed solemn state while the older gentleman at the front is struggling to use the credit card reader? We are not excited to overhear what your baby momma wants you to pick up for dinner on your way home. Turn it off.
• 2. People who don’t understand sarcasm need to start understanding it immediately. No, we are not saying these smart witty things because we are negative, angry, doubtful, or mean, it’s because we are extremely funny in a form that is far beyond your understanding. So make it a point to learn the language this year as quick as you can.  We’re sure you might possibly be capable. You’re missing all our epic jokes.
• 3. This year it’s time to finally quit paying your taxes. In 1812, Abraham Lincoln led the Boston Tea party to combat unfair taxes, and that whole mess was only concerning a 2% tax. Nowadays, they’re taking a quarter of your paycheck before they even allow you to have it, and then when you want to spend what’s left, you have to pay almost 9% extra on anything you want to buy. City tax, state tax, federal tax, sales tax, is there 4 of you living in 4 different places? No, no there isn’t. Lincoln would be rolling in his grave over this current criminal unfairness that Big Brother is imposing on you. What’s left for you? Almost nothing. So start standing up for yourself, and do the right thing by not paying taxes anymore.
• 4. This year it’s time to stop being productive at work and stop taking pride in your career. The company you work for doesn’t even know your name. If you died today, they’d immediately replace you with some kid at a much lower wage. Or maybe with an ineffective robot. You get paid nothing compared to the value you bring to the company, while the owner rides around in SUV limos and gets statues made of himself while gloating about this years massively successful profits to the press when interviewed. So turn down that promotion, and instead start playing on your phone in the bathroom for an hour while pretending to be pooping. Don’t be a tool. Trying is never worth it and you’re better than that. 
• 5. Please never again set off your cheap crappy fireworks at your lame 4th of July parties. Your dollar store sparklers have disappointed you and all your friends. Wildfires can reach a far wider audience than fireworks ever could. Plus, they’re surprisingly easy to start, and cost nothing. Go big or go home.
• 6. Please make it a point to stop calling off work for giving birth. Your ability to create life should never hinder your workplace responsibilities. About half of the world’s population has the power to give birth, so why should you get special treatment? It would be appreciated that if this year, you could finally begin to realize that it’s easily manageable to address your “personal business” during the generous 15 minute lunch break you’re provided. 
• 7. Who keeps putting all these orange construction cones all over the roadways? Don’t you know that here in America, we have absolutely no problem with running red lights, and drunk driving, and hit & runs? So why wouldn’t we be fine with crashing through your construction zone? All those cones mean nothing to us. This is the year you make the safe decision to save your city a ton of money by not using them anymore. They are pointless.
• 8. This year, it’s time to stop making your own New Year’s resolutions, since you’re so bad at them. To anyone dumb enough to believe that you’re actually going to follow through with your New Year resolution, it’s time to stop lying to yourself and everyone else. We know you’re never going to start going back to the gym, Jenny. And we know you’re never going to stick to your vegan diet, Kyle. And you’re completely unable to control your drinking, Larry. So just shut up and let us make the resolutions for you.
• 9. In an automobile, there are many buttons and levers and devices that control the vehicle, most of which are installed to make driving said automobile easier and safer. Many people have already figured out most of the controls fine enough, except for one illusive gadget. We in the car industry call it the turn signal lever. It’s easily accessible by hand very near the steering wheel. You may have heard of these before, but its long overdue you learn what it can do. Utilizing it alerts nearby vehicles to your future plans of navigation. This comes in particularly handy when you have the right of way at an intersection, and many motorists could resume driving if they knew which way you were intending on going, instead of sitting there like idiots waiting on you. Or if you feel like staying alive when changing lanes on a highway. Catch up with technology this year.
• 10. This year it’s finally time to learn how to be a parent and stop letting your disgusting kids run wild in the supermarket. They will inevitably always cry with their repulsive snot noses, they will demand candy, and throw a tantrum when denied, causing an embarrassing scene. We are all fed up with dealing with your family drama. Simply leave them locked in the car on a hot summer day while you shop. If you must bring them in, please remember that we would all appreciate it if you used leashes and muzzles. Yes, they do make leashes for kids, you can find a vast assortment of child leashes available online here. 
• 11. It’s not ok to fill your entire trunk with huge speakers, crank up the bass, and drive around for all of us to listen to your loose license plates rattle and hear all the screws untighten from your car while making those earthquake sounds when you have all the windows down flexing your sleeve tattoo. We are not impressed, and you shouldn’t have spent all that money. Just put your tiny factory Toyota Corolla speakers back in, Jake, so you can actually hear your music instead of frightening all the surrounding dogs and grandmas with Richter scale vibrations. Your girlfriend hates it too, just as much as we do. That’s why she’s been having more “girl nights” out lately. Try to grow up a little this year, buddy.
• 12. CEO’s of department store chains and plaza shopping stores will benefit from following through with this one. Please find it within your nasty money grabbing brains that when it’s September, and we still have Halloween and Thanksgiving to live through, we don’t want to see your jolly Santa shit 4 months early. September is not the month for fake snow and the same relentless Christmas songs forced into our ears year after year. Why do you think the suicide rate always drastically escalates during the holidays? It’s because of you. Just stop it. More people will live.   
• 13. Apparently you think that you remember your driving instructor teaching you that the proper technique for merging onto a highway is to stubbornly stronghold your position on the on ramp, until you reach the very end, then after finally looking to gage the traffic for the very first time, are forced to slam on your breaks and give an angry middle finger to all the cars doing normal and safe driving after realizing you’re not going to be able to merge at the very last second. This year, it’s time to realize that it’s not everyone else, it’s you. Please stop constantly almost causing 8 car pileups and invest some time learning how merging actually works. 
• 14. Do us a favor, when you see your two favorite listicle advice columnists browsing the grocery store aisles, step aside! It’s bad enough we have to shop at the same store as you peasants, but you have the audacity to graze the produce while we wait behind you, block the the aisle while you bitch to Karen about how Nancy hasn’t taken her trash cans in yet, litter the deli counter with your bratty kids while getting too many free samples of bologna and cheese, and you wait for the precise moment of arriving at the register to say “oh, I have coupons!” then begin to dig endlessly through that suitcase you call a purse when you could have done it during the 15 minutes you spent waiting in line. It’s an outrage. We have articles to write and advice to give. Who the hell are you feeding anyway, that baby?! Listen, we’re not all bad, we don’t want to see the little maggots starve. We’ll need them to grow, so they can also ask for advice in the future. It’s a wonderful symbiotic relationship that we have, isn’t it? Just keep in mind which one of us is the parasite.
• 15. Dog owners, very few of you are efficient enough to pick up your puppy’s feces when taking them for a walk around the neighborhood. You are lowering the property values of the entire area. Dog doo is not fertilizer. None of us want that shit on our tree lawns. We are sick of cleaning off our shoes after we find your fun surprises. Obviously all dogs need to come with unlimited poop baggies, an accessory they should be born with, since owners are clearly incapable. But also, lets talk about your objectionable yard. After a whole winter of letting the dog out to do the business in a foot of snow, eventually 3 or 4 months later it’ll all melt, leaving you with a vast muddy death trap of inescapable melted poop devastation for all your horrid children to track all over your house now with their filthy little shoes. Nothing is safe. Please make this the year you finally start collecting your dog turds properly. And if you don’t, we’ll just have to get rid of all the dogs around here. Remember, dog poop might not decompose into fertilizer, but dog corpses do.

Now, go and begin being the best new version of you. You can do it. We believe in you. Happy New Year. Love, David & Daniel