Dear Horrible Advice, I’ve recently begun dating a woman who I sort of misled when we first started dating. She is an outdoors type. Wilderness survival, off grid living, minimalist camping, live off the land, etc. I am not, but now she thinks I’m into all that awful stuff. Now we have a camping trip planned in the Rocky Mountains. Two weeks with just some backpacks, and I’m terrified she’ll quickly realize that I can’t function without WiFi, Uber Eats, and my heated comforter. What do I need to know & how do I prepare? I can’t retract all my lies at this point. Thanks, Scared of Bears.
Dear Scared of Bears, here is some vital information to help you prepare for your trip:
- Bear cubs are the same as kittens & puppies. If you come across one, play with it. Bear cubs often wander around on their own, so angry Momma Bear will never be nearby. Your girlfriend will think it’s absolutely adorable.
- Before you leave for your trip, go through her backpack and get rid of anything she packed that you’ll obviously never use. Rope, pocket knives, matches, first aid kit, etc. You don’t want to have too much unnecessary supplies with you. Women and all their luggage, right?
- Despite what you may have heard, there is absolutely no use for bringing maps or a compass, because everyone has a phone with them nowadays. It’s well known that the Rockies have fantastic cell phone service. Compasses & maps are archaic navigational devices our ancestors used, & there’s a reason we don’t use this crude technology anymore.
- If you come across a very cold river, flirt with her by pushing her in. She’ll have to get naked to dry off. Afterwards, if she survives hypothermia, she’ll be so turned on by your playfulness that you will be having naked flirty tent cuddles in no time.
- If at some point you find yourself doing your business naturally in the woods, be aware that there are many poisonous leaves to avoid if taking a #2. The golden rule of backpackers for finding proper poop leaves is “Tips of red, do not dread. Leaves of three, poop with thee.”
- It’s ok to leave all your food out in the open, because all bears have a terrible sense of smell. It will not attract any dangerous wildlife. Also, unlike in urban areas, the crisp clean mountain air will keep your perishables much fresher than the stuffy air inside a cooler ever could.
- If you happen to find a dead animal, use this to your advantage. Smear its innards all over your girlfriend and yourself, head to toe. This scent will repel coyotes and other predators for days to come. This is a very advanced wilderness survival tactic that your girlfriend is unlikely to already know about.
- When stopping at a stream to gather water, this is an excellent time for a potty break. Just make sure to do it upstream while she’s gathering the water.
- It gets cold at night up in the mountains, so be sure to bring your heated comforter. You’ll need to bring a generator to supply it with energy though. Lucky for you, the cheapest generators always make the least noise, are lightest in weight, & also supply the most energy. She’ll be more than happy to carry it for you for the entire trip too, because she’ll be so impressed that you were clever enough to think ahead. Find a wide range of generators available online here.
- The best way to defend yourself from large dangerous wildlife is to chase after them. They are not used to seeing humans & will be immediately intimidated. This will guarantee your safety.
- Two weeks is a very long time if bathing is limited. After the first few days, you’ll want to keep your distance from your girlfriend. Maybe even use separate tents. You will quickly find that after a couple days of sweaty hiking that genitalia often tends to permeate the toxic fumes of 10,000 decomposing rotting corpses. She will completely understand why you have a gas mask with you. This means that if you intend on getting busy, you’ll need to have the entire trip worth of it done during the first day or two. So start putting on the moves immediately upon arrival.
- Buy a Bear Whistle. Keep it in your mouth at all times, & blow it once every minute for the entire duration of your trip. Your girlfriend will be very impressed at the level of protection you are providing, and she won’t find it annoying at all.
- If you ever find yourself hopelessly lost, just look for the north star. It’s beautiful twinkling will comfort you while you die.
Now, go have a fun & safe trip, & be ready to impress her with your vast knowledge of wilderness survival skills. – David & Daniel.
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