Dear Horrible Advice, I have a coworker I can not stand. He smells & does nothing but scratch is ass all day. The problem is, he is best friends with our boss. How do I get him fired? -Smelly Ass Hater
Dear Smelly Ass Hater, begin taking detailed notes on your coworker. Every time he scratches himself each day, log it in your notes so eventually you’ll have overwhelming evidence of his habits. Also, rate his stench hourly on a simple 1-10 scale. On any particular day when his stink is unusually powerful, rate it every 15 minutes. You’ll need to take detailed notes for a while to help build your case into undeniable & legitimate evidence. Your boss will appreciate your thoroughness & dedication to this project. Make it a point to get your nose as close to his hindquarters as possible so your research is accurate.
Once you have collected all your data (is 2 or 3 weeks worth enough?) now it’s time to begin working on your boss, because he’s clearly part of this problem as well. Start collecting dirt on him, work related or not, and you’ll need a lot of this dirt because he’s likely to think you’re actually the “problem employee” after all your collected data is exposed for all to see, since it’s his friend you’re after. Also, expect for him to be bias and stand up for his lowlife friend and ignore all your hard work & diligence. He needs to clearly know how many hours you’ve invested & sacrificed during your shifts to help weed out this coworker’s waste of company time & money. When you’re ready, call a meeting with your boss. Be sure to invite the owner & company CEO’s without your bosses knowledge once a time & date have been established.
To prepare for the meeting, you’ll want to be dressed for success. Take yourself down to the local thrift store and buy yourself the finest clip-on tie that your couch cushion coins can buy. You can’t go wrong with plaid. And you’ll need to professionally present your data as well, so in the event that preparing a dynamic PowerPoint presentation is drastically above your education level, you’ll need to acquire lots of poster board from the local drug store. Buy enough to ensure you can present your evidence in all forms, including line graphs, pie graphs, bar graphs, etc. Make sure it’s cheap & flimsy, and be sure to roll them up really tight with rubber bands, so that they’ll never actually flatten out nicely ever again.
Once your boss, the owner, & any CEO’s are present and the meeting finally begins & the actual issue of the coworker is discussed, immediately begin threatening your boss so he knows you’re serious. Even if the dirt you’ve collected on him isn’t work related in any way, threaten to expose, expose, EXPOSE. Inform him that he too is a looser just by association to his friend. Obviously he makes poor decisions with friendships, so it’s to be expected that he makes poor decisions in business as well, which is a fact that the owner will be quick to take notice to. Unroll your poster boards containing all your evidence & research, stroke your clip-on tie so they notice how classy professionally dressed you are, and demand for the instant termination of your coworker. If there is any hint of hesitation in the room, also demand for your bosses termination, citing all the dirt you’ve acquired. You’re obviously the Employee of the Year at this point in everyone’s eyes. If by chance this is also somehow met with raised eyebrows, also demand a massive pay raise for yourself. With such overwhelming evidence, you’re sure to be granted all 3 demands. You’re sitting on a goldmine here Smelly Ass Hater. Now go make your dreams come true. – David & Daniel.
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