Dear Horrible Advice, we live on a small quiet 25mph side street. There is this one guy who constantly rips down our street going what I could only guess is 60mph. It’s become very worrisome to us and our neighbors because our children play outside in the yards, we let our dogs and pets out around here, and we are all nervous to pull out of our driveways now. I’ve called the city several times, but nothing has been done about him yet. He almost hit a mailbox the other day. We call our street Danger Drive now. How do we keep our small quiet street safe from this reckless speed demon?
Dear residents of Danger Drive, we present to you several expert options to assist your issue:
- Assuming he’s already mowed down a few children and pets by now, he’s already given you the means to slow him down. Just gather all their remains and stack them into makeshift speed bumps in various locations along your street. Your loved ones can still be useful.
- Set up a lemonade stand but make it a “free beer” stand. Road warriors such as him will not be able to avoid the temptation of stopping for a free wobbly pop, and while he’s occupied, maybe he can “accidently” get a nail in his tire. This will buy you at least one day of safety.
- Put a ramp on the street that leads to a cliff. Anyone who’s ever played Mario Kart will know there’s a secret up the ramp and will head straight for it. If you don’t have a cliff, make one.
- Potholes will slow anyone down. We were going to suggest everyone in the neighborhood go out to the street to paint a bunch of very realistically detailed and elaborate potholes all over the street. But then we realized that within moments he would realize they were all fake and return to his menacing dare devil antics. So logically the best course of action would be for you all to go out there with jackhammers and sledgehammers and make a ton of real deep deadly potholes. Just utterly destroy the pavement to the best of your abilities. You’ll all live stress free knowing he’ll soon select a different street to terrorize since yours is completely unusable now.
- Have you ever seen a semi hit a moose? Nope, because semi’s cower at the sight of moose. These viscous shaggy predators are 6 foot tall, hunt in packs and are excellent swimmers. Grown from seed they only take four months before harvest. By the time spring rolls around you’ll have your very own army of immovable herbivores. Nothing gets through a wall of moose.
Since the city and the police have obviously failed you, it’s time for you to take the law into your own hands now, and return Danger Drive to it’s former name, whatever that might have been. – David & Daniel.
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