Dear Horrible Advice, I suffer from a terrible medical condition called RBF (resting bitch face). I have always had it, have been judged many many times over it, and even the doctors says there is nothing they can do, besides making me a new face, & I don’t make enough money to do that!!! People that don’t know me think that I’m not a nice person! Once people get to know me, they know how sweet & caring I am. I try to smile a lot, but it’s kind of creepy to walk around smiling all the time. So, what can I do to help people understand that just because i suffer from this disability, I am really a nice person to get to know? Thanks, Not a bitch.
Dear Bitch, studies show that RBF is a very common condition that effects over 100% of the worlds population. Unfortunately, you will never get people to understand that you are nice, because people are awful and will only see you for your excessively bitchy face. Instead, here are some suggestions on how to carry on dealing with the unfortunate face you were destined to have:
- They think you’re a bitch, so own it. It’s time to stop being self centered and realize that life does not revolve around you, it revolves around everyone but you. Who you are, how you feel, & what you try to be doesn’t matter. You are what other’s perceive you to be, and nothing more. Obviously you “feel” like a nice person, so use that to your advantage. We’re imagining that nature gave you a perfectly un-geometric scowl with a low brow and a couple of extra sharp teeth, so start snapping those baby’s at everyone who comes near you before twisting your face into a wide toothed grin. When a chimp grins, that’s a threat. Wag your fingers enticingly and then slam their textbooks all over the floor like a High School bully (I’m having flashbacks). Then point & cackle at them for all to witness their humiliation, and keeping with the chimp façade, a little urination would really drive your point home. Just be who you truly are and no one will ever point out your resting bitch face again.
- Walk around with someone angrier looking than you. Recruit a friend who is always mad to be by your side at all times. Your condition will hardly be noticeable when they are constantly yelling in anger, annoyingly complaining, shouting at children, throwing tantrums, & getting into scuffles with everyone you come across. You’ll automatically be the nice one. Be sure to have this person accompany you to work, school, shopping, public events, and everywhere you go.
- You mentioned not being able to afford a new face like your doctor suggested? Well Leatherface never had that problem. You see, faces can be free. Just wait until a car of dumb teenagers comes along, and you’ll have plenty to pick from. Wear a different face every day to suit your mood if you wish.
- The Elephant Man was wise enough to wear a bag over his head, and that solved everything. He never had any issues with the public with that method, & no one ever wondered what kind of face was under that bag. No face = no problem.
- Give up and hide away as a hermit of solitude. In this day in age with all the different social media platforms we have, you can be as pleasant as you want, without ever going out. No one will ever know the truth. Live your life digitally with a permanent sweet happy online face, with all the kindness & niceness that you believe yourself to have. Many creepy middle aged men who have never moved out of their parents basements have perfected this skill with fantastic results.
- To help distract everyone from your crabby facial features, just carry something happy with you everywhere you go. Everyone loves colorful balloons. Everyone loves birthday cake. A face that’s stricken with bitch will always be overshadowed by an arm full of cute puppies with bows. A large bouquet of flowers, or a unicorn on your shirt will help brighten up your perceived mood. There are also tons of clown accessories available here you can use to keep everyone’s eyes off your cantankerous face.
We wish you the best of luck with all your new unproblematic options- David & Daniel.
HorribleAdvice.com is a sarcastic blog providing purposefully terrible & adverse advice. DO NOT follow or carry out ANY advice provided here. It is for humorous purposes only, and might often be offensive, dangerous, immoral, and possibly unlawful. Our advice is NOT to be taken seriously, and is for entertainment ONLY. Don’t do dumb stuff. Enjoy our fake advice articles, be safe, & be nice to people.
Do you need some horrible advice?
Just email a question to [email protected] and if your inquiry meets our high standards, we’ll think about maybe answering it in one of our despicable articles someday. Be sure to sign it with a fun fictitious name that loosely summarizes your situation.