Dear Horrible Advice, please help. I’m having trouble in social settings. Every time I meet someone, I hug them with a big bear hug, & most people don’t appreciate it. I think what bothers them most is all the long eye contact I make during the hug. Maybe they’re insecure. Or maybe it’s because we’re in the ceiling fan section of Home Depot & we’ve never met before. I’m not sure what to do. Please advise. -Pure Hugster
Dear Pure Hugster, of course if you try hugging people in the ceiling fan section you’ll feel under appreciated, because everyone’s looking up! They should be focusing on you. If you must hug in that section, instead of gazing longingly into their eyes, rest your cheek on their shoulder. Whether your lips & nose are towards their neck or away is a personal preference, but obviously towards the neck lets them feel your breath. It’s a much more personal connection. It also allows them to continue looking up at all the fancy fans without interrupting their shopping experience while the two of you embrace.
About your bear hugs, you see, strength is key. You’ll want to hug firmly enough that they know you’re sincere, but not so hard as to squeeze the wind out of them. If you haven’t already done so, try lifting them up about an inch off the ground. That should certainly remedy they’re insecurities, and a little shake never hurt anyone either. Strangers love that. If it’s been a while since your last bath, all the better. The more they can smell your pheromones, the more they’ll swoon for your oddly intimate but yet undeniably aggressive bear hug.
But seriously, you may find what you desire in another section. We recommend the masonry section. Those guys have so many problems that you’ll be the last of their concerns. Plus they’re bound to be hung over, and their body’s are already broken, both of which are reasons you’ll encounter much less resistance. Bear hug them hard enough to crack their back, and they’ll probably “coo” like a peacefully relaxed pigeon. If you find that eye contact is still an issue in this section of the store, just bark “get to work!” He’ll snap right out of his insubordinate daze, look directly at you, and await your next command. We guarantee you’ll find acceptance in this section, and they’ll surely want more too.
Finally, if you are absolutely unwilling to leave that cooling temptation of the ceiling fans, when you get your new special friend in your warm embrace, just put all ten finger tips gently on their head. Thumbs on the temples, and the rest in their hair, and gently but firmly lower their head until their eyes meet your gaze. This is an excellent way to make new intimate friends. We applaud you Pure Hugster. The world needs more people like you. – David & Daniel.
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