Dear Horrible Advice, a friends new born baby is hideous and scares me. The parents always comment how beautiful the baby is and look directly at me for confirmation, which I haven’t given them because I am frightful that if I look it in the eyes I may turn to stone. How do I keep up this façade? Thanks, Will from Parma.
Dear Will from Parma, you speak the language of all people everywhere & are describing the issue of all issues. We will not beat around the bush here, we feel your pain. Statistics show that over 97% of the baby population is ugly, which can be a very overwhelming situation to deal with. Fresh out of the oven, most of them don’t even appear to be human. You’re not alone, many of us have faced the same gruesome fate as yourself. Perhaps if we formed a support group maybe that would help us all cope.
Before we discuss any possible solutions to your issue, let’s first speak of the gravity of this common occurrence. Many fathers watch themselves begin the endeavor of raising an ugly baby, & immediately run for the hills, join the priesthood, & live a quiet and chaste life devoted to never creating another visually unpleasant child ever again. This may also explain the history of baptism. You see, the father-turned-priest responsible for said ugly baby feels such a profound guilt for helping create such a monstrosity that they dedicate the remainder of their life to helping these monstrosities be ridden of their birth sin of devastating visual shame, and want to help them hopefully be well on their way to heaven, although still ugly, which obviously wouldn’t otherwise be too probable.
Since its very common nature for a vast majority of babies to be gruesomely & devastatingly ugly, the real awkwardness occurs within the parent’s inability to see the truth. There has never been one set of parents in the entire history of childbirth who weren’t foolishly blinded to the fact that their baby is hideously ugly, & they will forever be convinced of the opposite, despite all the obvious overpowering proof. If you don’t take swift action immediately, you will be destined to stand by idly & watch your friend’s ugly baby slowly & painfully morph into an ugly kid, and then eventually an ugly person. You’ll be forced to remain in contact with it when invited to birthday parties, school plays or concerts, graduation parties, house warming get-togethers, and maybe even its awful wedding someday. It’ll never end. But most people don’t want to simply sever their relationship with their friends, which is the only sure fire solution here. So assuming that you plan to know these friends for the foreseeable future, here are some suggestions to help better your situation. Your only reasonable options are very slim, but please consider the following:
- Declare that “fresh air” is good for babies, & convince them to put that gross baby “outback” for the duration of your visits. Babies don’t deserve stuffy indoor air anyway. Plus, you’ll get props for sharing your logical parenting skills.
- Buy a tiny dog costume as “a gift,” and present it to them as a fun & cute way to “play” with the baby. Unknown to them, it will also help hide it’s ugliness, leaving you stress free for the remainder of your visit. Repeat as necessary. Find tiny dog costumes available online here.
- Be the asshole friend who only comes over way too late in the evening, always after the baby is already asleep. You will have a few minutes with your friends before they retire for the night after a long slaving day dealing with their horrendous baby, & it will still seem that you are attempting to hang with the whole family, but the timing just never happens to be right.
- Blinding your eyes would be very useful, but also impractical. Since everyone likes pirates & pirate patches are fun, consider being “silly” and showing up with double pirate patches so you cant see at all. It will make for an interesting & memorable evening, & you’ll have no chance of witnessing their ugly baby being horrendously ugly.
- At last resort, simply cut all ties with that family. You’ll have to lie and say that you’ve recently begun dating a new lady friend, & she hates all your friends, so you’ll no longer be able to hang out with them. They’ll understand. Because, it’s always hoes before bros.
If you find a solution that proves successful, please let us know. Hopefully we will all have a proper resolution to this inevitable problem eventually. Good luck to all of us – David & Daniel.
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