Dear Horrible Advice, my bush wall was once hearty and plush, from right to left, but all of the bushes in the middle have died, and the tiny ones just stay tiny. No matter what I plant there, I’m just digging it’s grave… It’s a bush death zone. I’m tired of looking at these people’s houses. What do you suggest? Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky. – Bushless In Suburbia.
Dear Bushless In Suburbia, seeing neighbors houses has always been the content of nightmares for people like you. According to your picture, it does not appear that the houses are unsightly, so we’re going to assume you’re a bored suburban housewife who’s graduated to concerning herself with unnecessary matters. It’s not how they look that you don’t like, it’s simply that there are in fact neighbors living nearby that doesn’t resonate too well with you, because you’re the only one in your universe. We suggest you solve your interpersonal problem with one of these alternative methods:
- Since apparently you’re the grim reaper of bushes and can’t grow a bush wall, just get all your neighbors to build tall fences hiding their property from you. The simplest way to accomplish this would be to buy a toddler pool, put it in the front lawn, buy your husband a 6 pack of beer everyday, and invite him to have beers in the new pool. His beer bellied freeloading ass will certainly sit there each afternoon listening to 90’s rock and making dad noises. By the end of each 6 pack, one of his hairy spunk bunkers will have surely have slipped out of his swimming trunks on most days. This will cause the neighbors to race to see who can build their privacy fences the fastest. You should be seeing no houses within a week’s time.
- Get rid of the remaining bushes, because you’ll need plenty of room for a gigantic inflatable bouncy castle. Not only will it certainly block the view, but after your little crib lizard is asleep, you can polish off that box of wine we’d be willing to bet you have and go bounce around until you puke.
- Just make a porn site named Bushless In Suburbia and then go buy a better house.
- Purchase a projector and a huge outdoor screen to have summer movie nights in the yard. Setup the screen so that blocks the view of your neighbors houses. Then invite them all over to weekly outdoor movie nights, their kids will love it, and then you can bill them the next day for admission so that they help fund your new projector and screen purchase. There are tons of huge outdoor screens for sale online here.
- Just stay indoors. That way we will not have to hear your frivolous complaints anymore.
- First, say Beetlejuice three times. Next: negotiation. It’s hard to think of a gift for the ghost with the most so it’s best to just tell him you want some sandworms and he’ll let you know what he wants in trade. Be warned it’s probably going to be hilarious, disgusting and unable to be made into a film given society’s current zeitgeist. Now you’ve got your sandworms!!! Oh, he ripped you off? What did he give you? Sand plankton! Have no fear, all you must do now is feed them melange, also known as the spice. The spice is narcotic found only on the planet Arrakis so your best bet is find Elon Musk’s flying car or Jeff Bezos and his penis shaped rocket ship. The sand plankton will eventually mature into sand trout which then eventually become sandworms. With incredible skill they can be tamed and ridden, a feat accomplished only by the Fremen of Arrakis and Barbara Maitland of earth. But, I’m sure you’ve got this. Now my bushless one, you’ve got your sandworms, tamed and submissive, you can do whatever you’d like! Be it eating pets, destroying houses, menacing glares, leveling whole neighborhoods or just double parking the worm in the street, your capacity for violence is endless!!!!! Now rest peacefully in your dementia and plan what comes next….
– David & Daniel.
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