Dear Horrible Advice, I believe my wife is cheating on me, but I have no actual proof. I have brought up my concerns to her, but she then just starts an argument & tells me I’m paranoid, which somehow makes me more suspicious. I’m not sure if she’s deflecting the blame unto me, or she truly isn’t cheating. It’s driving me crazy. I want to save my marriage, if possible. If not, I need evidence so I don’t lose everything in the divorce. I have to know. -Confused In Detroit
Dear Confused in Detroit, it seems to us that the first thing you need is verification. Since you’re currently unsure with your suspicions, we recommend following your wife’s every move for at least 3 months. Since this is a very timely commitment, you will quickly discover you have no time for employment. Which is for the best anyway, since you may very well be losing everything in the divorce, this would mean less for her. Make sure you are never seen. If she gets suspicious, we recommend hiring a complete stranger to follow her instead. Make sure the stranger is equipped with a camera, all personal info (including bank account info, addresses, Social Security Numbers, etc..) and also the necessary funds to keep him/her able to continue surveillance without having to report to their own place of employment. Once the cheating is verified, the next step is to gather concrete evidence. We will assume you’ll already have cameras set up in every room of your home, so now it’s time to set more up in the house of your wife’s adulterer. Whether you break in to set them up yourself, hire an expert, or hire an un-certified unemployed electrician from Craigslist who lives in his truck is up to you. Although, you’ll be much less likely to start an electrical fire with an expert, which is probably too pricey for you to consider at this point. Just be sure the evidence will still be viable after the house fire.
So now let’s assume you have your evidence on film. The finest way to make your efforts known is to throw a dinner party with everyone you & your wife have ever known. Family, friends, co-workers, bosses, clients, neighbors, estranged acquaintances, etc. Right before dinner, give a brief speech & just let the tape roll. If her lover managed to survive the house fire you caused, be sure to have invited him up to stand beside you while giving your speech, as the whole room beholds the footage of the two of them shooting his meat rocket into her sausage wallet. As your wife’s mouth drops open in embarrassment & disbelief, make sure her mother is watching as you unbuckle your belt to reach behind yourself to sign the divorce papers with the ink of your butt dribble taco sauce. Now, the only thing left to do is to ride off into the sunset like the hero you know you are.
If, on the other hand, your months of efforts have turned up no evidence at all, consider a set up to give her the opportunity to cheat. After all, being wrong after all this time & money spent just isn’t in the cards. Hire an attractive male friend she doesn’t know to wine & dine her a couple times before he starts attempting to clean her cobwebs with the womb broom. His advances must always take place in your own bedroom, since that’s where your extensive camera system is already set up, and you’ll also be able to be hiding in the closet, of course. Make sure your body camera is turned on & fully charged as you wait. Find many body cameras available here. Hopefully they’ll make it up to the bedroom before you have to use the restroom, if not, we hope you’ve invested in a chamber pot. When she inevitably takes the bait, then all this time, money, & your lost career will be perfectly worth while. At the very first indication of any hanky panky, spring out of the closet like a mad gorilla, beating your bare chest, knocking the door off it’s hinges, and yelling “ahh-ha! I knew it!” Assuming you’ll already have the divorce papers signed in the fashion we previously discussed, hand them to her, shake your friends hand to thank him for his help, politely pay him the money you owe him, and crash right out the window never to be seen again. These situations can be stressful to manage, we know. We hope this helps you get the answers you desire, take care. – David & Daniel.
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